Decision-Making in Parenting

Navigating decision-making during and after a divorce can be challenging, especially when it involves significant choices that impact the children's lives. Understanding the legal requirements and adopting collaborative strategies can help ensure that both parents remain actively involved in making important decisions, thereby promoting the best interests of the children.

As you would expect, decision-making around the big areas for children (education, medical and religion) is either shared between you or granted to only one parent. It is generally more common to have shared decision making. In that case, there are various strategies to help this shared process go well.

• Open Communication: Effective co-parenting hinges on open and honest communication. Parents should discuss and agree on methods of communication, whether through regular meetings, phone calls or digital platforms like emails or texts. Setting a schedule for these discussions can help ensure consistency and reduce misunderstandings.
• Mutual Respect and Flexibility: Respecting each other’s perspectives and being willing to compromise are crucial for successful joint decision-making. Both parents should prioritize the children's needs and well-being over personal disagreements.
• Clear Decision-Making Processes: Establishing clear processes for making decisions can prevent conflicts. This may include agreeing on how to address disagreements, such as using mediation or arbitration, and setting timelines for making decisions on urgent matters.
• Documenting Agreements: Documenting decisions and agreements in writing can provide clarity and serve as a reference for future discussions. Written agreements can include details about education plans, healthcare decisions, and religious practices, ensuring that both parents are on the same page.
• Involving the Children: Depending on their age and maturity, involving children in the decision-making process can sometimes be beneficial. This may help them feel valued and as if their opinion matters, and can provide insights into their preferences and needs. However, it is important to shield them from parental conflicts and not place undue pressure on them to choose sides.

Many laws/rules about decision-making in divorce are made in an attempt to mirror what would have happened if parents didn’t divorce.  Married couples have shared decision-making rights on all elements of parenting.  This doesn’t always mean both parents are equally involved in the process, they just both have a right to be. It’s not uncommon to have one parent take more of a lead in decision-making, like be more involved in education choices or one parent taking a lead on guiding religion for the children.  In divorce, it’s the same. In most situations, you will both have the right to make shared decisions for the kids but you may still have one party make more of these decisions. Once you divorce, you have the right for the court to interfere if you cannot make shared decisions together. Ideally, you can agree upon parameters up front to help this decision-making go more smoothly and avoid costly conflicts.

Types of Decision-Making Agreements

The options for decision-making in divorce are either joint decision-making, where both parents have a right to make decisions, sole decision-making or individual decision-making, where one parent has the right to make all decisions for the children, or a hybrid option where either joint or sole decision-making has specific modifications included in the decree.  In some cases, you may agree or a court may grant one parent sole decision-making responsibilities for children in these important areas. This unusual circumstance typically arises when it is determined that joint decision-making is impractical or detrimental to the children's well-being. Alternatively, parents may just agree to have one parent be responsible for decision-making in one or more of these areas. Reasons for granting sole decision-making authority may include a significant inability of the parents to communicate and cooperate effectively, instances of one parent demonstrating more stability or expertise in a particular area, or situations where one parent's involvement may pose a risk to the children's health or development. In such scenarios, the designated parent has the authority to make major decisions independently, but it may still be important for them to keep the other parent informed and consider their input where appropriate, ensuring that the children's best interests remain the central focus.

In some situations, a hybrid decision-making arrangement, combining elements of both joint and sole decision-making, can provide a balanced approach that leverages each parent's strengths while ensuring the child's best interests are met. This approach allows parents to share decision-making responsibilities in certain areas while granting one parent sole authority in others where they may have more expertise or availability. Hybrid agreements can be particularly effective in addressing complex areas such as medical, educational, and religious decisions, fostering cooperation while maintaining clarity and efficiency. For example, parents might agree that routine medical decisions, such as vaccinations and regular check-ups, will be made jointly, ensuring both parents stay informed and involved. However, one parent might have sole decision-making authority for specialized medical treatments if they have more experience or knowledge in that area. Similarly, for educational decisions, parents could decide that choosing schools and major academic programs requires joint agreement, while one parent handles day-to-day educational support and communication with teachers due to a more flexible schedule. If religion is important to one parent and not the other, sole decision making may be granted to the religious parent while all other decisions, such as medical and education decisions, may be made jointly.   By clearly defining these roles and responsibilities, hybrid agreements can help avoid conflicts and ensure that both parents contribute effectively to their children's upbringing.

Categories of Decision-Making

While there are a lot of decisions that are important to children, three main categories are typically addressed in divorce: medical, education and religion.  If one parent has sole decision-making rights, which is less common, there isn’t a need to share information or cooperate in decision-making.  Joint situations, where both parents have a right to make decisions for the children, can be more difficult to navigate. Let’s walk through the specifics of each main category and considerations focusing on joint decision-making considerations.

Medical Decision-Making (including dental and vision)

As it is important to provide the children with good health care, in shared decision-making, the parents shall cooperate in obtaining and following through on all physical health and psychological/counseling services for the children. Making medical decisions for children can be complex, even when parents are together, but especially when parents are separated or divorced. It is crucial to maintain a cooperative approach and prioritize the children's health and well-being. To be best prepared to work together in these important decisions, both parents should actively engage with their children's healthcare providers and stay informed about their medical needs and treatments. Both parents should be included in communication with doctors, dentists, and other medical professionals to stay updated on their children's health status, appointments, and any special medical needs. Sharing information about the children's medical progress, treatments, and any changes in health is essential for providing consistent care and support.

These are the common areas of medical decisions require joint consideration due to their significant impact on the children's health and well-being:

• Selection of Doctor, Dentist, or Other Healthcare Provider: Deciding on healthcare providers is a critical decision that both parents must agree upon. Factors to consider include the provider's qualifications, location, and the children's specific health needs.
• Non-Emergency, Elective Surgery: Both parents should discuss and agree on whether to proceed with elective surgeries. This decision involves considering the risks, benefits, and potential impacts on the child's health and daily life.
• Significant Medical or Dental Care: Decisions about significant treatments, such as orthodontic services or long-term medications, should be made collaboratively. Parents need to weigh the necessity and implications of these treatments together and may need to consider the costs.
• Mental Health and Psychological Care: Major decisions in this area include whether to obtain counseling, evaluation, or other psychological care for the children. Both parents should agree on the selection of mental health care providers and the duration of any counseling or treatment, based on professional recommendations.

Parents should establish detailed agreements about who will arrange for routine medical care and how responsibilities will be shared. This includes scheduling regular check-ups, dental cleanings, and vaccinations. Consistency in routine care helps maintain the children's health and ensures that both parents are involved in their medical upbringing.  In cases of medical emergencies, the children's immediate care is paramount. Each parent may consent to emergency medical treatment for the children as needed without waiting for the consent of the other parent. It is crucial to notify the other parent as soon as possible about the emergency and any medical interventions that were necessary.

To ease cooperative decision-making in medical areas, it may be useful to schedule regular meetings or calls to discuss the children's health and any upcoming medical appointments or treatments. You may use digital tools such as shared calendars and email to keep each other informed about medical care plans and updates. Due to the sometime immediate nature medical questions, having a plan for communication is helpful.  Keeping each other apprised of ongoing treatment will also allow for you both to be fully engaged if quicker decisions are ever needed.  It also helps to have a unified front regarding medical decisions and support. Consistency in messaging from both parents reinforces the importance of health care and helps the children feel secure and supported.

If there are conflicts in medical decisions, you should try and establish a process for resolving disagreements. If direct communication does not resolve the disagreement, involving a neutral third party can be beneficial. Alternatively, you can seek court intervention in extreme instances, but this may involve mediation or consulting with healthcare professionals to reach a consensus that prioritizes the children's best interests. Because time may be of the essence in certain circumstances, being thoughtful at the time of establishing a parenting plan could make things easier in the long run.

Education Decision-Making

Joint decisions about schools, tutoring and special educational needs can be challenging to navigate when parents are separated.  Sharing information about the children’s school progress, behavior, and events with each other is crucial. This includes exchanging report cards, notes from teachers, and updates on academic achievements or areas needing improvement. Such communication helps both parents stay aligned on their children’s educational needs and supports consistent guidance at home.

These are common educational decisions often requiring joint consideration due to their significant impact on the children’s academic journey.

• Selection of School(s): Deciding which school the children will attend is a critical decision that both parents must agree upon. Factors to consider include the quality of education, proximity to each parent’s home, and the children’s specific needs and preferences.
• Participation in Special Education Programs: If a child requires special education services, both parents should be involved in discussions with school professionals to determine the best programs and interventions. Jointly agreeing on these programs ensures that the children receive consistent and appropriate support.
• Attendance at Summer School: Decisions regarding summer school attendance, whether for remedial purposes or enrichment, should be made collaboratively. Parents need to consider the benefits, potential impacts on summer visitation schedules, and the children's preferences in some instances.
• Participation in Major School Trips: For school trips requiring significant financial contributions or involving overnight stays, both parents should agree on the children's participation. This includes discussing the trip’s educational value, costs, and ensuring that both parents are comfortable with the arrangements.

If you have joint decision-making, maintaining a cooperative approach to educational decisions is vital for ensuring the children's academic success and overall well-being. Both parents should actively engage with their children’s educational experiences. Each parent shall communicate with the children’s schools to remain informed about their needs, progress, and special events, including parent-teacher conferences. Regularly attending these conferences and school events ensures that both parents are aware of their children's academic performance and social behavior.

To help make education decisions easier, parents may want to establish regular meetings or calls to stay up to date and review the children’s progress. Utilizing digital tools such as shared calendars and email to keep each other informed about upcoming school events and deadlines. You also both may want to have access to online school resources and grade tracking.  You should also present a unified front to the children regarding educational expectations and support. Consistency in messaging from both parents reinforces the importance of education and helps the children feel secure and supported.

Collaborative decision-making in education is essential for divorced parents to ensure their children's academic success and emotional well-being. By staying informed, maintaining open communication, and jointly agreeing on major educational decisions, parents can provide a stable and supportive educational environment. Encouraging further education and handling conflicts constructively will help foster a positive and productive co-parenting relationship, ultimately benefiting the children's future.

Your parenting plan should establish a process for resolving disagreements about educational decisions. This may involve mediation or consulting with educational professionals to reach a consensus that prioritizes the children's best interests. Disagreements on educational choices are common during divorce but addressing them constructively is crucial for maintaining a supportive environment for the children. When conflicts arise, the first step should be open and respectful communication. Both parents should take time to understand each other's perspectives and prioritize the children's best interests. Discussing the pros and cons of each option and considering the children’s preferences and needs can help find common ground.

If direct communication does not resolve the disagreement, involving a neutral third party can be beneficial. Mediation, for instance, allows parents to work with a trained mediator to facilitate constructive dialogue and help reach a mutually acceptable decision. Consulting educational professionals, such as teachers or school counselors, can also provide valuable insights and recommendations based on the children's academic needs and progress. Ultimately, if parents cannot agree, they may need to seek a court's intervention, where a judge will make a decision for you based on what is best for the children. It is common to have school choice conflicts presented to the Court during the summer (even as late as August) as the school year is about to begin. If you anticipate conflicts, you should consult an attorney or reach out to the Court as soon as possible to attempt to receive a decision prior to the start of school.  

Religion Decision-Making

Religious and spiritual decisions can be a significant aspect of a child's upbringing, especially during and after a divorce. Maintaining a cooperative approach to joint religious decision-making ensures that the children’s best interests are prioritized while respecting each parent's beliefs and values.  Effectively managing religious decisions in a co-parenting context, requires communication, collaboration, and mutual respect. Decisions regarding the children's religious upbringing and participation in religious activities should respect both parents' beliefs and practices. If you have joint decision making, then it is important to find common ground and ensure that the children receive consistent guidance.

It is important for parents to openly discuss their beliefs and the role they want religion or spirituality to play in their children's lives. If both parents believe that participation in an organized religion or spiritual or cultural group is an important part of the children’s upbringing, they should discuss and cooperate in providing such experiences for their children. This includes agreeing on religious education, attendance at worship services, and involvement in religious or cultural community activities. This is often a continuation of the religious activities the children participated in before the divorce. Alternatively, if both parents believe that participation in an organized religion or spiritual or cultural group is not an important part of the children’s upbringing, they are not required to provide such experiences. However, they should still communicate openly about any exposure to religious or cultural practices that may occur through extended family or community events.

Parents who do not actively practice a specific spiritual faith but wish to expose their children to principles of comparative religion can agree to consult with each other on the best way to provide this experience at an appropriate time. This approach encourages a broad understanding of various religious and cultural traditions. Parents often agree they should communicate about this to avoid confusion or frustration between you. Others, however, may be open to each home having different religious norms in each household.

Here are some of the most common categories of decisions needed regarding religion:

• Participation in Religious Education: Deciding whether the children will attend religious education classes, such as Sunday school or Hebrew school, requires both parents' agreement. Factors to consider include the curriculum, the community's values, and the children's interest and comfort.
• Participation in Divorce Care Programs: Enrolling the children in a divorce group/program through a faith community or another organization should be a joint decision. These programs can provide valuable support during the transition but may require mutual consent to ensure they align with the family's values.
• Membership in Religious or Cultural Groups: Decisions regarding the children's membership in a particular church, synagogue, or other spiritual or cultural group should be made collaboratively. This includes considering the community's role in the children's lives and any associated commitments.
• Participation in Religious Rites: Significant rites such as Baptism, Confirmation, Bar/Bat Mitzvah, or other religious or cultural ceremonies should be agreed upon by both parents. These events often hold deep spiritual and cultural significance and may require joint planning and support.
• Attendance at Worship and Cultural Events: Both parents should agree on the children’s attendance at specific worship services, spiritual events, or cultural ceremonies. This includes discussing the frequency of attendance and any potential impacts on the children's schedules.

Like in education and medical decisions, shared religious upbringing of the children requires open communication to understand each other's perspectives and finding common ground. Present a consistent approach to religious education and participation. Even if parents have different beliefs, showing respect and support for each other's views can provide a stable environment for the children. You should also establish a clear process for resolving disagreements about religious decisions. If religion is important to either or both of you, you should put in the work up front to plan for your children’s well-being.

In conclusion, effective decision-making during and after a divorce requires understanding the legal requirements and adopting collaborative strategies. By maintaining open communication, respecting each other's perspectives, and prioritizing the children's best interests, parents can successfully navigate the complexities of co-parent decision-making. Establishing clear processes and documenting agreements can further support a harmonious co-parenting relationship, ultimately benefiting the children's well-being and stability.