Discipline for Children in Two Homes

Creating consistent and fair guidelines for discipline and expectations can help children navigate the changes brought by divorce. Establishing clear and unified rules helps provide stability and security, which are essential for their well-being.

When children have parenting time with each parent in separate homes, parents should consider how major decisions regarding guidelines and expectations for the children, as well as consequences and discipline for major infractions, should be made. There are typically two options for these types of decisions – either these decisions are made jointly by both parents or solely by the parent responsible for the children at the time.  Hybrid agreements are also common on these types of decisions. You can also choose to handle different elements differently – some joint and consistent and some separately in each of your own homes. When thinking about parenting children in two homes, you always want to balance consistency with independence.  In some situations, it may be good to address things in the same way in both homes.  But you will both also need to establish some independence and you may want to parent differently on other aspects.

When thinking about discipline and expectations, it may be helpful to think through some categories of parenting up front to decide how you both want to handle them. By preemptively considering how parenting will happen in two homes, you can provide stability and predictability for your children, as well as prevent conflict.  This collaborative approach ensures that the children receive consistent messages and understand that both parents are aligned in their expectations and disciplinary measures.

Here are some common areas to consider discussing and/or reaching agreement:

• Major Discipline: It is often important for both parents to maintain a unified and consistent approach for major discipline matters. Significant behavioral issues or breaches of established rules should be handled collaboratively to ensure that the children receive clear and consistent messages about acceptable behavior. Parents should discuss and agree on the consequences for major infractions in advance, documenting these agreements in their parenting plan. This might include specific disciplinary actions such as grounding, loss of privileges, or additional responsibilities.
• Homework:  Both parents may want to agree on expectations for homework completion, including designated homework times, quiet study environments, and regular check-ins on progress. Consistency in homework routines helps children stay organized and succeed academically.
• Curfews: Establishing consistent curfews across both households may be important for maintaining order and ensuring the children get adequate rest. Parents should agree on appropriate curfew times for different age groups and occasions, considering school nights and weekends.
• Bedtimes: Consistent bedtimes help children maintain healthy sleep patterns. Parents should set agreed-upon bedtimes based on the children's ages and needs, ensuring they are followed in both homes to promote routine and stability.
• Electronics Regulation: Guidelines for electronics use, including screen time limits and acceptable usage times, may be established. This includes setting rules for television, gaming, smartphones, and computers to prevent overuse and ensure balanced activities.
• Chores/Helping with Household Care: Assigning age-appropriate chores can teach children responsibility and contribute to household management. Parents may agree on a consistent chore schedule and expectations for helping around the home, ensuring that tasks are fair and manageable.
• Other Areas: Any additional areas requiring agreement should be discussed and documented. This might include rules about social activities, dietary guidelines, and participation in extracurricular activities.

In the areas that matter most, to ensure consistency and cooperation, parents should work together to establish and maintain expectations and routines. This may involve regular communication and meetings to review and adjust guidelines as needed. By presenting a united front, parents can help children understand that rules and expectations are consistent, regardless of which parent they are with. This consistency is key to providing a stable environment and reinforce positive behavior. While consistency is important, parents should also remain flexible and cooperative, understanding that each household may have slight variations in routines. Open communication and a willingness to compromise can help address any discrepancies and ensure that the children's best interests are always prioritized. If disagreements arise, parents should discuss them respectfully and seek mutually acceptable solutions, potentially involving a mediator if necessary.

By collaborating on discipline and expectations, divorced parents can create a stable and supportive environment that promotes the children's well-being and development. Establishing clear guidelines for homework, curfews, bedtimes, electronics use, and household chores may ensure consistency and teaches children responsibility and respect. It may also be helpful to balance the consistency between homes with some opportunities for individual boundaries in homes.  Every family is different – so think about what works best for you and your children. Prioritizing open communication, cooperation, and flexibility will help maintain a positive co-parenting relationship and provide the children with the security and structure they need to thrive.