Reluctant Spouse - If You or Your Spouse Aren't Ready

It is common for spouses to be at different points in divorce readiness, which refers to an individual's state of preparedness, both emotionally and practically, for the process of divorce.  Indeed, it is common for one spouse to be more committed to divorcing than the other.  When this happens, it can be difficult to tell the reluctant spouse you want a divorce.  If you're considering taking this step, it's important to approach the conversation with empathy, sensitivity, and understanding. Keeping in mind that this first conversation about getting a divorce can set the tone for the way the whole divorce process might unfold.  

Here are 10 steps or tips when you are telling your spouse you want a divorce.

1. Understand Your Feelings. Before initiating the conversation, take time to reflect on your own feelings and reasons for wanting a divorce. Self-awareness is crucial to ensuring a productive and empathetic conversation with your spouse. Make sure you are certain you want to proceed down this path and think about why. Perhaps seek counseling or talk to a close confidant to make sure you are prepared to articulate your feelings and explain your reasons for wanting to end the marriage.
2. ‍Choose the Right Time and Place. Pick a suitable time and place to talk. Ensure that you both have enough time and privacy to have an open and honest discussion without interruptions or distractions. If you have children, make sure they are not around when you are talking and be sure they won’t inadvertently walk in or overhear the conversation. Don’t wait too long to have this talk once you are confident staying in the marriage isn’t right for you.  Extensive delay can cause complications and resentment. Once you know, you should prepare to talk about it. At the same time, don’t impulsively blurt out your desire for a divorce.  Be planful and conscientious.
3. Be Prepared and Stay Calm. Plan what you want to say and anticipate how your spouse might react. Write down your thoughts ahead of time and then memorize them in an appropriate order being clear and concise. Make sure you get to the point.  A lot of people start this conversation and become sidetracked or lose the nerve to say what they want.  Practice what you are going to say and anticipate your spouse’s questions.  You know your spouse well and can likely anticipate possible reactions and questions. Be prepared to answer the question “Why?”  as its likely to be asked.  Stay calm and composed during the conversation, even if emotions run high.  This is likely to be one of the hardest conversations you ever have – take the time to prepare and then work through it with as much dignity and respect as you can.  This first conversation can set the tone for all the work you need to do moving forward.
4. Use "I" Statements and Avoid Blame. Express your feelings and thoughts using "I" statements. For example, say, "I feel unhappy in our marriage," instead of, "You make me unhappy." Regardless of how you feel about the causes of your unhappiness, you should avoid placing blame on anyone. Avoid criticizing past behavior and try and let go of any grudges you are holding on to. This is not a conversation that needs a resolution. You are merely informing your spouse of a decision you have come to about the marriage. It may come as a surprise to your spouse so attempting to place blame will likely only increase negative emotions and start the process off with adversity.
   
   These "I" statements express feelings and intentions while minimizing blame or accusation. They help open the door for a productive and empathetic conversation about divorce. Here are some “I” statements that might be helpful as you think about what you might want to say:
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   • "I've been feeling unhappy in our marriage for a while, and I believe it's best for both of us if we consider a divorce."
   • "I've come to a point where I think it's important for me to be honest about my feelings. I believe we should discuss the possibility of a divorce."
   • "I need to be honest about my feelings. I feel that our marriage is no longer working for me, and I think we should have a conversation about divorce."
5. Listen Actively. It's essential to be a good listener. Give your spouse the opportunity to express their feelings, concerns and questions. Show empathy by acknowledging their emotions. Make sure you listen completely and allow your spouse to be heard.  Do not interrupt. Know that it’s okay to not have all the answers – no matter how prepared you feel, there will likely be some question or comment that you need to punt on. You can say “I don’t know” or “I don’t feel ready to respond to that right now, but I will think about it and get back to you.”  You don’t have to have all the answers but you should make sure your spouse feels heard when asking them.
6. Offer Support and Resources. Even though you're discussing divorce, it's important to show your spouse that you care about their well-being. Provide information on resources like counseling or support groups that can help them navigate this challenging time. If you have already done research on process options or you feel like you know how you want to proceed, let your spouse know you have some ideas on next steps and, when they are ready, you would be happy to share that information.  They may not be ready right away but let them know you know there are resources out there for them.
7. Be Patient. The decision to divorce is a big one, and your spouse might need time to process it. Be patient and understanding and give them the space they need. Avoid forcing your point of view on your spouse or expecting them to have an immediate reaction.  Your spouse may need time to process it. Give them the time and space to work through their emotions on their own. Then reach out at some point to check back in. If you don’t bring it up again, your spouse could think you have changed your mind. So you have to balance providing time to think through everything and your interest in moving things ahead.
8. Avoid Discussing Specifics. Once you've had the initial conversation, you may have the urge to start discussing potential resolutions. Don’t. Remember, you have had a lot of time to think about this, likely, and the news may be brand new for your spouse. They may feel emotionally unprepared to think about resolutions like child custody or who’s staying in the home.  It’s important to not make your spouse feel like you are way ahead in the process – if they feel that way, they may immediately make decisions out of fear or to protect themselves. You will both need some time after this initial conversation to think through things and be ready to work together to figure out the process and steps to move forward.
9. Seek Professional Guidance. Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor, both individually and as a couple. Professional support can help you navigate the emotional challenges of divorce and provide tools to communicate more effectively. Some counselors will coach you through this conversation and even facilitate it for you if you want that type of support.
10. Maintain Open Lines of Communication. Throughout the divorce process, keep the lines of communication open with your spouse, especially if you have children together. Effective co-parenting and cooperation can help mitigate the stress and impact on your children. And, open communication between you will lead to better resolutions and keep the emotional strain and financial cost of the divorce down.
    

Remember that telling your spouse you want a divorce is just the first step in a complex and often lengthy process. Approach the conversation with empathy, honesty, and a commitment to finding a mutually agreeable resolution, and seek support from professionals and loved ones as needed throughout the journey ahead. Don’t feel rushed. You may have been thinking about divorce and emotionally preparing for a long time but it may be new information for your spouse.  You don’t have to rush him/her and it may result in better outcomes if you are patient.  Give your spouse time to process. You may ultimately and up with better outcomes if you give your spouse the time they need to work through this.

Once you are in the process, handling a reluctant spouse requires patience, empathy and effective communication. You should try and foster open and honest communication with your spouse, encouraging them to express their concerns, fears, and reservations about the divorce process. Listen attentively to their perspective without judgment and validate their feelings to create a safe space for dialogue. You should also understand that your spouse may need time to come to terms with the decision to divorce and may be experiencing a range of emotions, including denial, anger or sadness. Respect their emotional journey and avoid pressuring them to accept the divorce before they are ready.

Ultimately you may also need to work with an attorney to reach out on your behalf and help your spouse understand the process and options. If your reluctant spouse doesn't engage and proceed voluntarily, you can always force the matter and file for divorce.  This often kicks things off in a more adversarial manner so a good lawyer can help gently push your spouse to the process and try and avoid the extra adversity. (See our Sample Reluctant Spouse Letter/Email to understand what your attorney could send on your behalf).

Understand that change takes time and be patient with your spouse as they navigate their feelings and decisions regarding the divorce. While it's good to be empathetic and understanding towards your spouse's reluctance, it's also important to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being. Establish clear boundaries around communication and behavior, and seek support from friends, family or professionals as needed to maintain your emotional resilience throughout the process.

In summary, the best way to ask for a divorce is to stay even keeled and emotionally regulated while you clearly state your feelings, be a good listener and stand firmly by your decision. If it goes well, you can set the tone for a good process.